


Amor's mission

by Nichtigkeit_4



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:53:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28011936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nichtigkeit_4/pseuds/Nichtigkeit_4
Summary: Castiel had met a Cupid once before. They were strange creatures, he thought. But this encounter was to be very different. For he was not looking for a cherub, this one was looking for him. // [Pre-Destiel]
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 10





	Amor's mission

**Author's Note:**

> All my stories have been translated from German to English. Since English is not my native language, translation errors may occur. But I hope that they are not too serious. If you notice any, feel free to tell me.
> 
> Have fun!

It was deepest night when the door to the bunker slowly swung open with a squeaking sound. Castiel stepped out into the cool night air. All alone, he stood outside the bunker as the door closed again. Concentrated, he looked around. Not that he could really see anything in this darkness. Only a single lantern shone on the dirt road he was standing on. A single spot of lit earth surrounded by total darkness. For long, Castiel had felt persecuted. Ever since he helped Dean on his last assignment and then rode here with him in the Impala. And there was something troubling him. Not even really the fact that someone or something was after them, much more the fact that he could clearly feel its presence. The presence of an angel.

"So you noticed," Castiel heard a strange voice from the darkness without seeing anyone. He placed himself under the only cone of light there was in the immediate vicinity and looked around again, searching. He could sense it, but could not make out from which direction it came. He could only hope that the angel would show himself. - "You didn't try hard to hide either," Castiel replied as he continued to look around. - "Why are you following me? What do you want?" - Castiel's voice was calm and deep. It was all you could hear in that remote place. Not even the sound of a cricket daring to interrupt the tangible tension that had built up around Castiel. And then the stranger emerged from the darkness. He was tall, with greying hair and a suit like the Winchesters used to wear when they would pretend to be FBI agents. - "The question is rather what you want," he heard a second time the stranger's voice, who now stepped into the beam of light and smiled friendly. Much too friendly for a situation like this, as Cas thought. And almost as if to greet him, the stranger now reached out his hand to him, but revealed the palm of his hand instead, thus making Castiel understand why he was really here. And Cas understood.

"You are-" began Cas, who could not really finish the sentence. He was much too surprised and still not quite sure if this was not a big mistake. Why would he be here? - "Quite right", the stranger completed the sentence instead and pulled his hand back again. The smile on his face had not disappeared, on the contrary. Instead, more little laughter lines formed around his eyes as he folded his hands behind his back. - "Who are you here for?" Cas asked, who could not return the smile. - "Because of you" - Castiel was clearly speechless, he could not deny that. And yet he could see no sense behind the words. Did it mean what he suspected? - "Meaning what? Is Heaven sending Kerub as a hired assassin already?", Castiel asked. His forehead was wrinkled and his head slightly tilted. But the stranger just laughed. His gaze wandered up to the lantern, looking at the brightly shining bulb before he looked at Castiel again. His face completely serious again, as if he hadn't laughed heartily just five seconds ago. - "Oh, no. I'm here for the reason I always come from" - The hint of a smile appeared on the stranger's features, or at least that's what Castiel believed. And when it did, it only lasted a few seconds before it was gone. - "That's impossible. Angels can't" - Castiel faltered. - "They can. That's why I'm here" - Without waiting to hear what Castiel had to say, Cupid replied to his unspoken question, knowing exactly what words the angel was trying to say to him. He gave him a brief moment to let the words he had just heard sink in before continuing. - "I need your permission" - Castiel heard the words, but they made no sense to him. Like an random row of many letters, what had been said got through to him without him understanding a single word. So he did not speak. He neither reacted to the words nor to the piercing look that Cupid gave him. He answered him with skepticism. He was sure something was wrong here and he would be on guard against whatever Cupid would try.

Cupid sighed softly, hardly noticeable. - "We both know I don't stand a chance against you. I am merely a third-class Kerub and although you have fallen, you still possess enough power to render my bow ineffective. Unless..." - "I'll let you." - The bad feeling in Cas that told him that there was something wrong with this intensified. - "Exactly", said Cupid, knowing that Cas didn't trust anything he said. - "Why would I do that?" - Cupid was silent, but kept staring into his eyes. - "Because it is his will." Another brief silence. - "Whose will? Who sent you?" - Castiel's voice was under pressure, trying to drive out the faint undertone of a hunch and waiting for the next words from the Kerub, whose eye contact had still not broken off. - "You know on whose behalf I'm acting, Castiel" - And Castiel knew. No one else would give a cupid a mission like that. No high-Level angel would give the order to shoot another angel with Cupid's arrow. - "Then you are --" Castiel faltered again. - "The very first. I am the first Cupid and answerable to only one. God."

"But- It can't be. Why would God do such a thing?" - Castiel was spinning. The mention of God and the fact that he was still out there, even keeping an eye on him, made Castiel feel something he hadn't felt in a long time. Hope. - "Think of it as a small thank-you," Cupid said, even as if he didn't know about Castiel's inner chaos. - "Thank you"? for what?" - "For being who you are." If this situation weren't so completely absurd, Castiel might have laughed. But he never said a word. Not even a sniveling gasp did he utter. He stared lightly at the sky almost as if he wanted to see God somewhere in that darkness, who explained this whole farce to him. But there was nothing but darkness. Not even a constellation could be seen in the sky. - "God is watching you, Castiel. "for a long time. He knows what you have done" - Now he laughed, but only to look down in shame. Anywhere but those piercing, brown eyes, which despite their dark tone seemed to cut through the gloomy air, only to look straight into him. As if he could see everything in him and there was no way out. And he would see all these cruel deeds Cas had committed. See all these people, angels and all the other beings he had harmed. - "He is very impressed with you. It has been centuries since there was an angel like you, who is so exalted to God and yet so human, as only one of God's creations can be. He is sure you are the embodiment of his will" - Castiel looked up. He could never be serious. None of what he had done could really be God's will. He had cheated heaven, lied and destroyed almost everything. And why? Because he thought he could do it better than anyone else. In his pride, he had thought he was greater than his brothers and sisters. Something greater than God himself. And that's supposed to impress his father?

"No, but you are loyal to God, even if every other angel has already given up faith in him. But you love people just as much as if you were their creator yourself" - Now he was about to laugh. A bitter and even desperate laughter glided softly, almost silently, over his lips. All this could only be a single, huge joke. And Castiel knew absolutely nothing about jokes or irony. But it could not be anything else.

"Don't worry, Castiel, God has forgiven you," said Cupid in a soft and sensitive tone that made Castiel raise his head. Angels never talked like that. empathy was something that creatures of heaven only knew from books, it was not something they actually felt. so, why should it be any different with this cupid? why would he of all people possess the empathy that made him feel with castiel. Something like understanding?

"Forgiveness"? How can you ever forgive what I did? There's no excuse for that" - Castiel's face was serious. And for the first time in what felt like hours, he looked his opponent in the face. But he couldn't see anything in it that resembled the obligatory unfeeling of an angel. There was not even anything like scorn or mockery in it. And Cupid thought about it for a moment. - "What is that earthly proverb again? "You couldn't see the wood for the trees. "And the trees you stood before were overwhelming. "Your intentions have been honorable, even if your actions were not."

"But- I killed hundreds of them! Angels! Yes, even people!" - His voice was about to discharge. To rise up and take on an angry, even mocking tone, directed at no one but himself. He hated himself for all that he had done. As much as he had never hated anyone before. And he just did not understand. He did not understand how God could forgive him only when he himself did not even do it. He could never wash away the sins he had committed. And he was sure that he never deserved it. He didn't deserve to have anyone forgive him. Especially God.

"God moves in mysterious ways," Castiel suddenly heard these words that made him snort with mockery. But Cupid laughed as if he knew exactly what was going on inside of him. Knowing that it was a more than unsatisfying answer. And finally, Castiel understood why the humans, especially Dean, hated that kind of response. It was complete bull crap!

"He feels he bears some of the blame himself. "After all, his departure was the catalyst for all of this. "But don't worry about his motives anymore. It's all about you" - And Cupid's look showed him that this was the end of that part of her conversation. But Castiel could not accept that. He wouldn't be able to fob him off that easily. There were still so many things he needed an answer to that burned in his soul. And he knew God would be the only thing that could quench that fire inside of him. - "But I still have so many questions!" - so he said it, hoping to get more information out of cupid. but deep down, he knew it was all for nothing. He wasn't going to give him any answers, whether he didn't want to or couldn't. So the question of why God did nothing, even though he was obviously watching him, would not be answered so quickly. Or where he was and why he had abandoned them. And more importantly Covenants between angels and humans were forbidden. Why would God break one of his most cherished rules? Why now? When he had punished so many other angels for defying this rule and getting involved with a human, even procreating with them? And as if Cupid could read his mind, which he probably did, he smiled.

"I know that your interest lies elsewhere, but I am only authorized to answer one of your questions" - Castiel's gaze became more tense. One question, then. What would that be? He was sure it had something to do with the Cupid's appearance. Probably why he was here. So, what would he be expecting now? - "The covenant between angels and humans is unequaled. "Only chosen angels are allowed to make this covenant. Often for our benefit. For example, the procreation of a nephilim. There must always be one on earth, so that the closing of the gates of heaven is possible" - "And now you want to tell me that I am one of these chosen ones? That is why I am now to mate with a human woman to make it possible again to banish all the angels of heaven to earth in a cruel way? Not with me!" - Castiel knew Cupid was not done talking, and yet he simply had to stop him. Because if that was true, if he was truly chosen to do so, then Cupid could save his breath for speaking. He would not go along with this terrible plan. He would not provide any of the "ingredients" to close the heavens gates. Especially if he was to be shot down by Cupid with his stupid love arrow. - "There's no need. In fact, there already is a Nephilim. Last month he had his second birthday" - And Cupid smiled at that. And Castiel almost thought to see a loving and proud smile in the otherwise static movements of his facial muscles. Almost as if he knew this boy he was talking about until just now, as if he liked him, had a connection to him. As if he sees something else in him than a simple "ingredient". And then the smile was gone, too. And almost as if that had been his sign, he came back to the real subject. The reason why this Cupid stood before him.

"Then why? What is your purpose?" - The mistrust in Castiel grew immeasurably. He wouldn't call it fear, but he couldn't deny it troubled him. He worried about what was coming. What God had chosen him for. - "For once, this is completely unselfish" - Confused, Castiel blinked. he wasn't sure if what cupid said was right, though he didn't understand it yet. He didn't understand what Cupid was trying to say as his brow furrowed. He was getting tired of this conversation going on and on without getting close to the real reason for his appearance.

"God thinks a reward would be appropriate for you. After you have served heaven so many times so selflessly and yet have been rejected by it again and again" - "And therefore he wants me to be despised even more because I have broken the highest rule of the angels? If I really commit myself to a human being, I can never go back" - Castiel was clearly angry. But Cupid had reckoned with it, or rather God had. He had warned him that Castiel would be different than the other angels. More impulsive, irrational, human. And Cupid took pleasure in it. It was a nice change from all the other angels he'd met so far, even if it didn't make the conversation any easier. He knew it would be hard to convince Castiel of any of this. Make him understand God's purpose.

"As if you could now" - And with that, he had taken the wind out of Castiel's sails. Because he had nothing to say back. How could he? After all, it was the truth. He had long since lost his chance to come home. Because the angels didn't want him, even cursed him and would kill him if they got the chance. For the angels he was like Lucifer himself. And that hurt. Because heaven was his home. For so many thousands of years he had lived in peace among his brothers and sisters. Even that what he had there was no life. It was an existence. He had merely existed in Heaven. Among all the other angels, he had spent his existence like a doll that was put in the closet when it was no longer needed. But he didn't know any other way. His life, his existence had never been different. Until he had set foot on this earth. Until he met the Winchesters. And suddenly he knew what it meant to actually live. What it meant to feel and to do what he thought was right even if everyone else didn't. And that's what got him into this mess. Because he thought it was right, he had caused the closing of the gates of heaven and caused so many other beings pain because he thought it was the right thing to do. Because he was too much influenced by the humans. Because he thought he could be one of them. But he was not. He was an angel. A servant of the Lord. A warrior of the heavens. He was not a man. And now he wasn't an angel either. He was trapped in his existence. Between heaven and earth without knowing where he belonged.

"And that is why God sent me. Castiel, God wants to give you a gift. Something that only man can have. Something to help you find your true place in this universe. Because he sees how lost you are. How much self-doubt you have inside of you. He wants to give you a home" - Cupid had done it again. He'd been snooping around in his mind, seeing Castiel's greatest fear. the fear of being alone one day. Because without the Winchesters, where did he belong? and he wasn't at home on Earth. He was lost between all those dimensions. And God saw that. God had sent Cupid to finally give him a place where he belonged.

"He wants to give you someone who loves you. And not in the way that your brothers and sisters should love you, or people's idea of angels. Not even the way God loves you. He wants to give you one of His children who loves you because you are the way you are. Because you make him laugh and because you make him cry. Who loves you more than anything and who is behind you no matter what decision you make. Who loves you more than God." - That was his definition of home? To give him a human being as you gave a slave? Castiel could not allow that. Never let a person be struck by Cupid's arrow because God wanted to do him a favor. It wouldn't be the same as actually loving someone. - "But it wouldn't be real" - "Why? If you're soul mates" - "Then it's still wrong I know enough about people now to know that the most important thing for them is freedom It would be like cheating, no, even forcing, if I said yes If this person really exists, he will find me of his own accord and not because you made him so" - There was silence between them. And while Cupid looked at the angel before him with an almost analytical look, Castiel did not break off either. He stubbornly looked him in the eye, making clear the seriousness of his words and the fact that he could never change his mind. Because he said everything exactly the way he meant it. He could never forgive himself if he allowed a person to be deprived of his freedom in this way. The freedom to love whoever they wanted.

"You've clearly been down here too long. You're even acting like a human now" - Cupid laughed while Castiel still had a serious look at it. and the longer cupid looked at him,the more he realized he'd lost. He probably wouldn't be able to change his mind. - "So you made up your mind" - There was no question, Castiel's gaze was far too determined for that, yet he answered with a nod to press those words. - "And nothing can change your mind? Not even if you know who you're dealing with?" - Castiel's astonished look, which lasted no more than a split second, made Cupid smile. he knew exactly what those words triggered in the angel before him. And for the first time since this conversation had begun, the question arose in Castiel who this special person was that Cupid was talking about all the time. Clearly, Castiel knew the person. would cupid be using her to change his mind? - "I see your interest is piqued" - Castiel clenched his jaws tightly together and looked away. He would never admit that those words had actually shaken him for a brief moment. ...because that would be betraying his own words and opinions. "Are you sure you want to know? You might see him in a very different light afterwards" - "Him?" - "What did you believe? It's the only way to avoid a nephilim. But not only that. He's the only one who can do it. You do everything for him and vice versa. After all, he's your favourite, isn't he? After all, you share a very special bond" - Castiel recalls that he once said that himself. Back then, he hadn't really understood it himself. But now, just when he was standing before Cupid, he thinks he knows what it meant.

"Do you think it was a coincidence that you, of all people, were hired to bring him out of hell? It was fate" - Castiel had to turn his nose up at those words. - " I'm out of sorts with her ." "Not the goddess. It was simply your destiny to meet. For it is he who defines you. He's the one you rebelled for. You went through purgatory for him. And for him, you would close the gates of heaven over and over again" - Actually, Castiel would have disagreed now, but he was far too surprised that not even a word could leave his lips. For it was increasingly obvious who Cupid was talking about. And yet Castiel had doubts - not sure if it was only because he didn't want to admit it to himself - until Cupid spoke out the obvious. - "Dean Winchester" -- Cupid pauses. And castiel was sure that during this time he wanted to give him the chance to process the information first. Maybe he was using the dramatic pause to heighten the suspense. Actually, Castiel didn't care why Cupid did it. Because right now, it seemed like he was starting to see the light. A light so bright, it was like a blazing flame. - "He is the reason for everything. It's all about Dean" - And Cupid was right. No matter what castiel did or how hard he tried to spin this, it was always about dean. either protecting him,proving something,or being the one to hold him down. Always Dean.

"Well, Castiel... ...do you hold to your opinion?" - "Yes" - Castiel didn't hesitate for a moment before the answer blew out of him.No matter how thick the lump in his throat or how tight the noose around his neck,  
that took away the air he had to breathe. His answer would always be the same. - "If you are right and we are destined to do so, we will find each other even without your help" - heaven sounds surreal talking about Dean that way. About the heterosexual and so women-loving Dean. - "I don't think you really understand the principle. Just because you're meant to be together doesn't mean you'll get together. Many people don't have the courage to do this or the circumstances prevent them from doing so, like an existing partnership. And so many miss the chance to meet their soul mate. But sometimes they are happier to have a relationship on a platonic level. There are many types of soulmates. Not all come down to eternal love" - "That may be. But I trust Dean and when the day comes when he realizes that he has deeper feelings for me, we find each other. And until then I will wait and be happy to consider him as a part of my family. Even if he is just a brother. It's still better than forcing him to do it" - Castiel had to stop himself from gasping for breath. For although he was an angel and breathing was not a necessity for him, he felt out of breath, even suffocating. And he did not know what it was. Maybe it was his wildly pounding heart that was slowly beating against his ribs? - "You know what impresses me, Castiel?" - Another one of those dramatic and unnecessary pauses. But this time, Cupid used this pause to get a little closer to Castiel. Until he was standing close. - "All you ever talk about is not trying to force Dean "But what about you? Aren't you afraid you'll get hit by my arrow and become an Other? Someone who suddenly has romantic feelings for someone?" - Castiel was silent. How could he possibly answer that? "the truth? That he hadn't even thought about that aspect? That when he thought about it like that, he wasn't actually afraid of it? That he didn't even find it uncomfortable to possibly feel such emotions? Or that it was all about Dean again? Could he just say that? Because if he did, it would be real. He couldn't take those words back and he didn't know what it would do to him. So he kept quiet. Sure enough, Cupid had an answer for that without Castiel saying it out loud. And that was perhaps even worse. ...because it meant it was not only obvious to Castiel.

"There is only one thing that makes you look forward to the thing so fearlessly" - And of course Cupid would not miss the opportunity to say this out loud. Because now he had something on him. Something Castiel hoped no one would ever know, and of which he himself was never truly sure until that moment. - "The fact that nothing would change for you You're already in love, Castiel" - Castiel couldn't deny it, but he couldn't agree with that either. Because he didn't know for sure if it was true himself. How could he? He didn't even know what love felt like. Did it feel like love for his father? Like the love for his brothers and sisters or for the people? What Castiel knew is that love is not love. You could love your father differently than you could love a good friend. He knew he loved Dean. But did he love him like he loved Sam? He had always believed that this love he felt for the two of them was purely brotherly. But he also had to admit to himself that the feelings for Dean were different from those for Sam. He had always believed that it was because of the special bond between Dean and him. And Castiel was not so wrong about that. But he didn't know what to do with it. Was what he felt for Dean really love? True love? - "I'll take your silence as approval" - Cupid tore Castiel from his brooding thoughts and took a few steps away from him, further and further towards the Shadow. - "so, for the moment, my help is not needed. If you change your mind, pray. I will find you" - Of course Castiel knew that wasn't true. The person who would find him was God. And that reassured him. Because it meant he was still out there. And he kept an eye on him. So all hope wasn't lost.

Cupid kept moving toward the shadow, obviously leaving. But there was one thing that castiel kept on his mind. He needed answers. - So, "wait," Castiel held Cupid back, which immediately stopped. Almost as if he expected to be stopped by Castiel. So he turned to him again to hear the question he already expected. - "If you have the power to unite a man and an angel, then so can -- I mean --" - How could Castiel possibly phrase the question that was burning so hard on his soul That prevented him from seeing anything else that Cupid was sure was hidden inside of him? - "What about my immortality? Once someone is marked by a Cupid, there is only that one person and it is irreversible. His life-- it's like the blink of an eye. Not even a fraction of my existence" - castiel was silent. It was difficult for him to ask this question. After all, it would only confirm what Cupid had been talking about all along. That Castiel had feelings for Dean that went far beyond the platonic aspect. But Cupid was also silent, waiting for Castiel to finally ask the decisive question. - "What will I do when he's gone?" - Cupid sighed deeply. For even though he knew the question was coming, he still hoped it would not come to him. - "This is something beyond my control. It is entirely up to you" - "What is up to me? The decision whether I suffer the rest of my existence after his death or dagger myself right away?" - Castiel seemed displeased with that vague answer. And Cupid understood. He knew how Castiel felt. After all, he had had this discussion hundreds of times before. and he knew that castiel was simply terrified, even if the angels would never admit it. But he was afraid of losing this person who meant so much to him. Because Castiel was right. Unlike the lifespan of an angel, a human being's was almost insignificant. Like a breeze moving as fast as he came. And he was sure this must feel unbearable.

"No. It is up to you whether you choose this human or heaven" - Castiel was irritated. Already so many times he had faced this choice. And each time he had turned his back on heaven. Each time he had chosen Dean. He thought it was more than obvious by now what his priorities were. - "Castiel, you should know by now that there are many ways to share eternity. After all, you experienced one of them firsthand  
when your grace was taken from you" - Castiel's mind was racing. Did this mean that he should give up his angelic existence? For a human being? Never had he thought about it - no matter for whom - to fall back on a normal life. To take his own grace and age, to die without being able to stop it. But for some reason unknown to him, everything inside him rebelled at the thought. He remembered his last experiences as a human and it was clear to him that he just wasn't cut out for this. He had hated having to eat - even though he had taken incredible pleasure in all the tastes - or urinate, sleep, breathe, even fucking blink! He was despairing. At people's habits, at their behavior and life supporting measures. He was drowning in it. After all the millennia he had already spent as an angel, he just couldn't get comfortable with becoming human, as much as he loved and admired the humans themselves. But it just wasn't possible. When he thought about having to give up his wings, it pained him and he was sure that Dean would never allow him to give up his entire existence for him. That's how well he knew him after all this time. And Dean had watched how bad he had been. How useless he had felt. And he never wanted to feel that way again. Dean knew that. And most of all, he knew that Castiel was afraid of dying. Because even though he was an angel, he had so often wondered if, after all he had done in the millennia he had lived, if he would even get to heaven. Would heaven welcome him back as a human, departed soul? Or would it cast him back into the depths of hell, back into purgatory? - "I'm sure a soul like Dean's will go to heaven. And it will be a beautiful spot of heaven. Room for two, I'm sure."

Again Cupid had read his thoughts and so had taken the burden of the words from him. These many words that wanted to come out, tried to form questions and in the end disappeared again in the depths of his thoughts. And Cupid looked at him with a steady gaze, taking in every tiny emotion that Castiel even thought to show. And it was there. The big knot in Castiel's stomach that hurt so much and made him feel sick. That lay so heavy, on all the sensations that were still far too much for an angel. - "But what if I can't go back?" - Was it despair? In his rough voice, the deep furrows between his eyebrows and in that glassy blue? Cupid could not remember ever observing such a look in an angel. - "As I said, it's all up to you. It is your responsibility to make a decision" - Cupid turned away from Castiel again. Moved again further towards the shadows which he came closer and closer and very slowly seemed to swallow the black of his suit more and more to finally become one with the Cupid. - "But much more important is the question: what is this between the two of you? Because who knows? Maybe all this thinking is just a waste of time. Maybe Dean will fall in love with a beautiful woman, put a whole soccer team into the world and then die happily and contentedly at ninety of old age" - With a smile which he threw to Castiel over his shoulder he disappeared into the darkness, giving the angel no more chance to answer his question. And so Castiel now stood alone in front of the bunker with all his confused thoughts. He stood rigidly there, not moving a millimeter and still looking at the point where Cupid had been standing just a blink of an eye ago.

Suddenly the door to the bunker opened and a surprised Sam stuck his head outside. - "Here you are," Sam said, almost relieved, and took a few steps toward him. But there was no answer from Castiel. And because Sam has always been better at such things than his brother and especially Cas himself, he immediately noticed that something was different. He had the feeling that something important had happened that none of them understood yet. - After Sam still didn't get an answer, he carefully, so as not to startle the angel, put a hand on his shoulder. - "Dean has already asked three times where you are. I quickly left with the excuse of having forgotten something in the Impala" - As if to emphasize his words, Sam held up the car keys which made them jingle much too loudly in the silence. But Castiel had finally responded, tilting his head slightly in Sam's direction and just looking at him. - "What are you doing here?" - Sam lowered his hand and continued to face Cas. Tried to read anything in his gaze, to discern what was bothering his friend. But there was nothing but the same, confused expression on his face. - "Getting some fresh air" - Sam raised his eyebrow skeptically. That lie was so bad, even Castiel would have recognized it if it wasn't his own. - "When you disappeared, it sounded like something more serious" - Because now Cas also realized that his fib had been blown, he cleared his throat slightly embarrassed. - "Yes, I thought we were being followed. But I was wrong" - And although this excuse wasn't much better, Sam left it at that. He didn't want to probe further about it even if he knew there was something much more important, something bigger behind it. - "All right. Let's get inside before Dean puts out another APB on you" - To speed the whole thing up a bit, Sam put both hands on his friend's shoulders and gently but firmly pushed him towards the bunker. Because if he came back without Castiel, he would probably have to shoot himself. Because Dean's chatter about where he was now, he could truly no longer listen to. And like a bloodhound, he immediately raised his head when the door to the bunker opened and two figures came down the stairs. Dean hadn't left his place at the table and was still busy maltreating the laptop, if not quite too brainily anymore. He was probably surfing sites with pornographic content again, whose cast consisted mainly of busty Asian girls, Castiel thought to himself. But he said nothing. He just continued down the stairs and slowly circled the table.

"Cas! Where have you been?" - Sam could only roll his eyes at the question. Sometimes his older brother really did act like a twelve-year-old when it came to Castiel. Or worse, a controlling wife. But secretly Sam grinned to himself, also sat down at the table to devote himself to his book again and listened to the conversation unnoticed. - "Outside. Get some air" - That Castiel tried the same trick on Dean surprised Sam a bit. He had actually thought Cas would learn. After all, it had not worked with him, so he could have come up with something better for Dean. But Castiel had also realized his mistake at that very moment when he saw the wrinkles on Dean's forehead, which were slowly getting deeper and deeper. - "When you disappeared, it sounded like something more serious" - Now it was Castiel who looked questioningly. There was no denying that the two were brothers through and through. They had the same way of thinking and that had already brought Castiel in the one or other trouble, but also often enough the brothers themselves. But not to worry Dean further, he didn't go into it this time and rather sat down with the Winchesters as well. Surprisingly, Dean seemed to be satisfied with the outcome of this conversation. Now there was silence in the whole bunker, which Castiel didn't know exactly what to do with. Should he break it and say something? Was it okay to just sit here and be silent? As he had so often lately, Castiel cursed himself and his shortcomings. He would never admit it, but these situations triggered something in him that humans would probably call nervousness. What it really was, however, Castiel couldn't say. So he just sat there, trying not to stare too obviously in Dean's direction. For some reason, Castiel felt like he was really looking at Dean for the very first time. That dark blond hair that had grown a little longer in the last few years. That deep green of his eyes and its lids that stared squinted at the screen. The three-day beard that made Dean look a little bolder than he already was in combination with the three flannel shirts he always wore. In all that time, Dean hadn't changed a bit. When Castiel looked at him, he still saw this 29-year-old hunter in front of him. In his worn leather jacket and the much too self-convinced grin. But today, of all days, Dean seemed like a completely different person to him. With his late thirties, the even more striking facial features, the voice that sounded from time to time deeper and rougher, that Castiel almost got goose bumps from it. The slight wrinkles around his eyes that became more and more visible. Castiel knew that people aged and he also knew that it would be no different with the Winchesters. But now that he looked at Dean like this, he almost felt sick at the thought that Dean had already lived much of his life. And with their life style, no one knew how much they actually had left. Castiel felt like he was running out of time. As fast as sand through his fingers into nothingness.

"All right," the words suddenly echo through the bunker, followed by a dull thud that jolted Castiel out of his thoughts. - "I'll hit the hay" - Sam had stood up, his folded up book tucked under his arm and moved his chair neatly back to the table. - "What hay?", Castiel could only ask in irritation, because once again he didn't understand this reference. Why should one hit some hay? Was this some kind of game again? And most importantly, where did all the hay come from? But he didn't get an answer to that. Just an amused shaking head before Sam wished them a good night and then disappeared towards the bedrooms. - "Night Sammy," Dean called after him, without taking his eyes off his laptop or even looking at the confused Castiel, who wondered what was wrong with his question. But silence continued. None of them said anything until Dean risked a little glance and looked at Castiel from the side. He didn't seem to notice, because he still looked stubbornly - almost strained - straight ahead and didn't move a muscle. He did not even blink and that made Dean once again clear that it wasn't even necessary. Because Castiel was an angel. All the things he did himself, the things he had to do, were nothing more than dispensable for Cas. And yet Dean thought he saw something like exhaustion in Castiel. - "You look pretty beat. Is everything all right?" - Castiel didn't seem to have expected to be addressed, because he took a moment too long to answer, in Dean's opinion. Almost as if he had to think about what to say. - "Yeah, the last few days have just been pretty restless. I'm enjoying the quiet. Who knows how long it will last"- Knowing their luck, Dean was sure it wouldn't last very long. But he was glad for the answer. So Castiel could find peace here. That made Dean almost a little proud. And happy. But he would never admit that. - "Would you like- well you're welcome to rest in my room. Another bed isn't made up right now, I'm afraid, but you're welcome to take a nap in mine" - Castiel eyed Dean for a moment. Maybe he had just imagined it, but he just thought he heard something like embarrassment in his voice. But he didn't know for what reason that should have been, so he immediately dismissed that thought. But still there was something in Dean's looks, even if it only streaked him. Something he could not define. Something he wondered if it had always been there. - "Angels don't sleep, Dean" - And there it was again. Castiel's inability to simply accept a well-intentioned gesture without constantly speaking his rational thoughts out loud. - "Ah, yeah, sure. I just thought you'd like to get some rest, but you don't even feel exhaustion. Angles, huh?" - Dean seemed embarrassed but also a bit contrite. As if it became clear to him for the very first time that Castiel wasn't human. Or maybe again? - "Besides, where are you sleeping then?" - Dean seemed surprised by this question, and if he was honest with himself, he hadn't thought about it when he offered Castiel his bed. Maybe the whole thing was a little too thoughtless after all. - "I- um- wanted to stay up for a while. Look for a new case. And anyway, I'm not tired at all. So if you'd like-" - Dean left the sentence unfinished, thinking he had saved the conversation yet, and then saw Castiel shaking his head. - "No thanks. But I am very grateful that you are so concerned about my well-being" - Castiel smiled. But not that put-on smile. It was sincere, it was gentle. And it made Dean look away immediately, bashfully, as he noticed his ears starting to get hot. Which was definitely not Castiel's fault! Quickly he cleared his throat - "Of course I care, we are a family" - Dean looked again strained at his laptop while Castiel smiled into himself. Because finally he understood. All the times they had saved each other, healed their wounds and stood by each other. All the time they spent together in the forever shabby motels or inside the Impala, in that bunker. And all the looks they shared whenever they happened to meet and more. - "Why are you laughing?" - "Because I am happy to share with you such a special kind of bond" - Castiel had spoken without thinking about how his words probably sounded. But he didn't need to, because this was Dean. He could be honest with him, even if he had already missed those opportunities often enough. But this one was going to be different. This was something Castiel didn't want to miss. - "Cas, that sounds pretty-" Dean seemed momentarily at a loss for words. He just looked Castiel in the face while searching for the right adjective. - "Gay" - And he' d probably found it. - "Is that bad?" - Castiel didn't really understand what to make of that statement, maybe Dean wouldn't even explain it to him. - "No, but-" - Dean seemed to be searching for words again, not quite sure how to explain it to Castiel in a way that made sense. - "We're men. This between us is a manly thing. Manly men don't say things like that" - For Castiel's taste, this explanation was a bit too- manly? It seemed like Dean was talking out of his mind and didn't quite know what he was trying to say.

Dean cleared his throat nervously and shut the laptop in a slightly too hasty motion. - "Very well. It's way past midnight. I should be getting ready to turn in, too."- With those words, Dean rose from his chair and stood undecided in the room for a moment. - "I thought you weren't tired?" - "I'm not. Lying down doesn't mean sleeping, after all. Besides, it's more comfortable. And if you don't want the bed-" - Dean left the sentence open again, straightened up a bit more to stretch his back which instantly cracked loudly a few times. And Castiel also got up from his chair, almost as if he had decided to leave as well. But where to? He would hardly go to sleep, and certainly he had no room of his own in this bunker to retreat to. But at such a late hour it was no longer possible for Dean to rack his brains more intensively about what the angel was doing in the time he was sleeping. He just wanted to lie down in his soft bed, put on his headphones and listen to some Led Zeppelin. So he turned away from his friend to make his way towards the bedroom like Sam had done before. - "Good night, Cas" - "Dean", Castiel stopped him - with all the courage he could muster - before he finally disappeared into the corridor. His voice sounded deeper than usual, or was Dean imagining it? Or maybe it was the underlying uncertainty, which was quite obvious to Dean, that gave the angel's voice a different timbre. So Dean paused in his steps and looked at Castiel, who stood in front of him with slightly slumped shoulders, but still did not avoid his gaze. - "Would it be possible for me to come with you?" - "Excuse me?" - Did Dean just get that right? Had Castiel really just asked him - with that strange yet insistent expression - if he could come with him to the bedroom? To do what exactly there? - "In your presence, I feel a relaxing calm. It's almost like- sleeping" - Dean wasn't sure if he interpreted those words correctly. And he had to admit to himself that he was afraid of imagining too much about it. After all, Castiel usually spent the night with him to watch over him, as he often said himself. But this time it was different. It was not only about protecting him even in his dreams from the evil that constantly surrounded them. It was about giving Castiel that security as well. And even though Dean lectured the angel every time about how much he hated being watched in his sleep, he couldn't deny it to himself. He felt safe at the thought of having Castiel near him while he slept. For all the years he had been driving from motel to motel with Sam, always with his gun under his pillow, he couldn't claim to have ever really slept. Because there was no such thing as a break for them. But now that Castiel was by their side, that had changed. Dean felt as if he could now finally really rest, really sleep. Because for the first time in his life, he had a deep and restful sleep whenever he felt Castiel's presence in the room. But that was also something he would never admit to anyone else. And now it was his turn to repay that same feeling to Castiel. So he took it that way, and before he consented, his thoughts back in this world, the whole puzzle - which he didn't even know was incomplete until just now - was putting itself together. Because he looked into Castiel's face, saw the open confession mixed with this firmness in his gaze, so that Dean didn't have the possibility to interpret anything else into these words than exactly what they had to mean. And suddenly everything seemed to be quite clear.

He didn't know how to deal with this new or not-so-new situation, but he knew Castiel felt the same way. Neither of them had ever been good at this, and yet something had happened between them that neither of them had seen coming. And unable to say anything, Dean just nodded. For the final confirmation Castiel had been needing, Dean merely held the door open for him in the direction of the corridor that ultimately led to his bedroom. And Castiel started walking. He led the way, knowing where Dean's bedroom was, which should make Dean feel uncomfortable. Because Castiel really seemed to know absolutely everything about him, and he had also allowed him to watch him sleep through the night. But that was not the case, it was that fact that really scared him. Not because he was afraid of Castiel. Dean felt deep inside that something just changed between them, something big, something important. And knowing that neither Castiel nor himself could stop it made him nervous. Because what could he do? All he could really do was let it come to him, however crazy that was going to be. And the moment he entered his bedroom after Castiel and closed the door behind him, his fate was finally sealed. He was here alone with this angel that he didn't know if he was really even more angel than human. But it made Dean smile. Because no matter what he was, he was still Cas. And therefore this thought also drove away any worry about what was still to come. Because he felt again this security, this safety, which Castiel's aura brought with itself. But maybe it only had an effect on him. Maybe this aura existed only for Dean. He had to admit to himself, it was a nice thought. All those nice thoughts broke off, however, when Dean watched Castiel sit down purposefully on the armchair next to the bed, which made Dean stand in the room indecisively for another moment. There was something so strange about this situation - as familiar as it was - that it made him nervous all over again. And even though Castiel had already been at his bedside in countless motels, Dean in particular didn't know what to do with himself right now. So he tried to maintain his routine as best he could. He went into the adjoining bathroom, got ready for bed - for a longer time than he actually needed for it - and then went back to the bedroom. Cursing himself more and more for his nervousness, he walked towards his bed, knowing full well that there was nothing to be afraid of. That there in his bedroom was just Cas. His best friend. The most important being in his life. There was never going to be a time when he was afraid of anything in Castiel's presence, with him by his side. Because Castiel was with him. He always had been. He would always remain so.

A quick glance in Castiel's direction showed him a relaxed angel. Dean thought he had never seen Castiel so relaxed in his chair. And even his tired eyes suddenly seemed a little less tired, although his lids were slightly lowered, almost as if Castiel was about to fall asleep. This sight was enough for Dean to decide that it was right to admit Castiel to his room. And so Dean dropped into his bed as well, throwing the covers over him and letting his head sink deep into the pillow. His gaze fell again on Castiel, who now returned that look, with an implied smile on his lips. - "Good night, Cas" - "Sleep well, Dean" - Contrary to his words of not wanting to sleep, Dean turned off the light. He couldn't see him anymore, but he was more than aware of Castiel's presence and it triggered something in him that he hadn't felt like that in a long time. Security. Dean was sure, in this moment here in the darkness, completely unprotected and weak, nothing and nobody could harm him. Because he was safe under Castiel's watchful gaze and very slowly Dean felt his eyes close. Castiel, too, felt this calm spreading inside him, putting his otherwise restless mind into a sleep-like state. And suddenly falling asleep was not so difficult anymore, not even for an angel.

18.10.2019


End file.
